25th Most Favorite Thing About the State Fair of Texas: Handwriting Analysis
First, a little housekeeping. Sunni Thompson, yet another good friend and frequent State Fair companion, decided yesterday that my Countdown to Opening Day of the State Fair of Texas did not need to be cooped up and safely secured behind my Facebook privacy wall. She felt that it ought to get some air and roam free on the internets instead (I think she’s trying to convince friends in her new hometown to make a Dallas trip with her to the Fair this fall). So last night, she made me a blog-present, and my countdown now has a new home. Thanks, Sunni.
If you’re wondering what it is about Sunni’s personality that made her look at the Countdown in its previous, Facebook format and decide that it absolutely, positively needed to move to a new location ASAP and that she was going to make that happen right now, you could find out at the Handwriting Analysis booth at the State Fair of Texas. Yes, folks, along with your turkey leg, your livestock shows, and your strange entertainment, the Fair also features some serious (and eerily accurate) psychological assessment equipment.
If you start at Big Tex and stroll south along the Midway, you’ll soon pass the Handwriting Analysis booth (it will be on the left, near the entrance to the Food Court in the Tower Building). You’ll know you’ve found it when you see the VERY modern-looking, official Handwriting Analysis computer. Unfortunately, I do not have a photo of the computer, but I can tell you that it looks exactly like this:
Instead of playing Global Thermonuclear War with you, though, the Handwriting WOPR does something much better. After you’ve scrawled your signature on an official Handwriting Analysis slip of paper and paid the operator (this is one of the only places at the Fair that accepts real currency) to feed your John Hancock into the machine, the WOPR’s various faux-vacuum tubes blink on and off furiously while it thinks very hard… seconds later, it spits out your very own personality profile.
If you are brave, I would suggest passing your own analysis to a friend and having that person read it aloud to the group. It makes for great entertainment, and everyone knows that the best way to hear the often delicate details of your own messy personality is to have your good friends announce them to you in public. A word of advice — you, as reader of someone else’s analysis, may happen to find yourself in the midst of broadcasting a particularly controversial but absolutely true statement about one of your friends, a statement that may sound like one of the following:
- Your competitive streak makes it difficult for you to hold on to friendships
- You have an intense desire to control the people and things around you, which often leads to conflict
- You are quick to anger and lash out at the very people who try hardest to help you
- Your overwhelming need to eat every fried product in sight at the Fair today may mean that you are trying to make up for deficiencies in other areas, and it certainly isn’t going to help you fit into your skinny jeans.
If you happen to find yourself in one of these situations, BE CAREFUL! DO NOT, under any circumstances, read a statement like those above, start giggling, and say, “oh my god that is SO TRUE — You are the biggest, angriest, most ridiculously competitive control freak on an eating binge that I’ve EVER seen! Ha ha ha!!”
The State Fair is no place to end friendships, people. Please remember that the Handwriting Analysis is a powerful thing. Note the disclaimer at the bottom on the printout: “For your Fun & Entertainment.”
Such marvels of technology must be taken seriously.
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